Winter and Summer

So, the seasons have changed. The winter jumped into summer. No spring really to speak of. In my own way, so I, too, have gone from winter into summer. Recent events have turned my life inside down and upside out, which makes perfect sense when you think about it. I have not written anything on here or anywhere else in quite some time, which I regret. I have so many ideas bouncing around in my head that I should have multiple novels and maybe even a series published by now. Alas, it has not happened, and it seems that more and more lately my patience with anything has been low. I do not remember when I was more patient. A good friend of mine says that since I do wait for things, no matter how much irritation they cause, that I do indeed have patience. Maybe that is true, and people who have patience go through the same mental frustration that I do, yet not showing it outwardly. Maybe that is the true meaning of patience. I wish it didn't cause so much stress, especially as stress and I do not mix well in a way others cannot understand.

Now you might be thinking to yourself, "How can he have transitioned from a wintery state to a summer like one? It seems more like the opposite, as summer is generally considered a happier state of being." The answer to that is somewhat complicated. Summer is a time when great storms occur in the world. This is caused by the transition of weather currents and temperatures, with varying degrees of severity. It is indeed a time that most people are happier. The sky has been revealed blue and shining after so long hidden by the dreary clouds and constant cold. People can go outside without having to bundle up in layers to prevent the chill. Why shouldn't it be a happy time?

I, being one to dwell on the negative more times than naught, see the problems it brings more than the joy. I see both, however, and do not always brood on the bad. I can appreciate the warmth. I enjoy swimming and the feel of the sun on my skin as I work. I love the smell of the trees, the feel of grass under my bare feet, and the fresh breeze on my face. Yet, beneath it all, there lies the rub. I don't enjoy too much heat. I don't enjoy the allergies that plague the summer months. I love storms, yet hate the destruction they bring. I love summer. Yet I hate it.

This is how I feel. I was in a constant state of sadness and loneliness. Now, I am happy, and at the same time, confused and not sure of where I am going. So many things have changed in the past few months. I don't like change, but change is inevitable. I have been in a rut before. I was there quite a long time, but managed to dig myself out again. Not without help, of course. You can never deal with your problems on your own. When you try that, it only makes things worse, and the deeper the rut becomes. I will get out, but it is the oddest feeling to be so happy and yet so lost at the same time.

I have met some great people up here. I met someone who turned everything in my world around, but that, too, came with more confusion and doubt than should be. But who am I to decide what should be? God is the only one who knows the plan for me. I need to trust in Him to guide me, but that is the hard part. As a human, letting someone else take control goes against every fiber of my being. It's human nature to be selfish - to want control over one's own life. Every time I leave it to Him, though, it turns out better. Why, then, is it still a struggle? Why do we constantly battle against what we know will ultimately be the most beneficial? I see the results of trusting Him, yet the instant something I want is not what He wants for me, I turn away in anger. So much doubt. So much anger.

I know what I must do, and I know why. Yet, as usual, I don't want to do it. I am afraid to trust in anyone. I have been hurt too many times. I know that God will never leave me or forsake me, yet trust still does not come easily. How did I ever get to this point? As a good friend once told me, we can't change the past, only the future. I have so many regrets, but I need to lay them at His feet. I need to let Him take control, and not worry about what it may bring. He is in control of everything, and He alone knows what is best. I only pray that I can do it. With his help, and the help of others, I know I can achieve it.